he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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