I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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