if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
