My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
