i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
