I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
