as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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