dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
