I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
