whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
