It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
