the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
