I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
