why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize