so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
