why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
