we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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