even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
