Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
