She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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