My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm both gender and math confused
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
