i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
