You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
