the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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