ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
