I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
