allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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