apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
