Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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