I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
