we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
