Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
