either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
wakey wakey hands off snakey
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
