im drinking this country out of the recession.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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