literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
