Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
