Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
