We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
