By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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