My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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