yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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