doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's blow job season.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
