Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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