He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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