I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
