dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
