I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
