im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Randomize
