My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
