Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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