Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
