My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
