My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
