She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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