was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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