Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
