dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
