It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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