My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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