I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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