Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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